Saturday, June 6, 2009

The Negotiator

The Scene: Negotiator's bathroom

The Negotiator: me

The Hostage-Taker: son

The Hostage: poop

Hostage Location: son's so called "poop bottom"

Negotiator's Goal: ensure safe and direct delivery of hostage from current location to porcelain holding tank

Hostage-Takers Position: Holding hostage captive, indefinitely

There has been an ongoing "stake-out," if you will, in our household for the past three years. We sit and we wait. We watch for the self proclaimed "King of Poop" to back into a corner or retreat to a remote area of the house. When this happens we are quick to follow and his mission is aborted. There are days I hold him at bay for so long, the victory is just within reach. But in an instant, the dream is all swept away. The baby cries or the phone rings or the casserole is ready to come out, and that is when it happens. Poop. In. Pants. Without. FAIL.

A few minutes ago, I could tell it was time. The "K.O.P." was loitering around the bathroom, but mom was right there. No sneaky moves tonight. No SIR! I asked if he wanted to sit on the potty with the OH-SO-FUN potty box in front of him. At first, the answer was no, but then the hostage taker took on an air of vulnerability. After a quick demo from The Negotiator, the K.O.P. hopped on. Here is a photo of the scene.

I think I made it a little too comfy with the extra padding in the back. The brownie with milk seemed like a good idea at the time, but I quickly understood the logic behind Harrison Ford's policy on Air Force One--We do not negotiate with terrorists...3 year olds...whatever. They are manipulative and can not be trusted! About half way through the 2nd book I was reading while sitting in the bathroom floor, K.O.P. informs me with a threatening glare, "I'm out of brownie," as if to say "You don't deliver, I walk." I fell right into the trap. Once the second brownie was in his hand, I began to reason. I plead for the innocent. He didn't want any part of talk about releasing the hostage. Totally bailed.

We are now engaged in a stand-off. The Hostage Taker needs to release The Hostage on his own terms, but The Negotiator is not budging.


  1. That's hilarious!! Good Luck:)

  2. HAHA... Keep us updated!...Or I guess I will find out Friday! :)

  3. Oh my gosh! I am laughing at you right now! This is too funny! So what was the outcome? I almost went with animal crackers in our potty box but decided against it. What about bubbles?

  4. Only you could write a post like this!

  5. Loving your creative writing again!

    Finally got my Friday's Fotos completed.

  6. That's hilarious indeed. Just something to bring you solace and comfort, caffeine is known to help deliver the goods just a bit easier! I love it, "I'm out of brownie!!!" Hmm. Highly suspect. This kid knows what he's doing alright.