Cease endlessly striving for what you would like to do and learn to love what must be done. --Goethe
Here I sit, trying to plan for our first year of homeschooling. As in, school at home. That I'm in charge of. All of it. There are so many books, methods, theories, personalities, experiences, models. And then there's me. Taking it all in, trying to put together a puzzle that has like 10 million more pieces that its supposed to.What do I do with the overwhelm?
Naturally, I procrastinate. Hey I haven't blogged in a while. This seems like a good time...
So, like, what in the world are we doing here? I just need to talk this through.
I know this is the path God has put us on. When there is no other possible explanation for the direction you are about to take except for "Because GOD said so." Well, there is peace in that kind of bewilderment. But still--bewilderment.
Looking through the curriculum, schedules, stacks of books, notes from conferences... my little blankie (my coffee cup) doesn't seem up to the task. This is serious. I mean, let's be honest coffee can do a lot. For a season coffee got me to the babysitter's door. Then for a season it got me to the car line drop-off. It's gotten me through many a homework-dinner-bath-brush-bed fiascoes. But now it's time to go further than any of those. And I just don't see coffee getting me there. Can you even safely drink that much coffee?
Bewilderment. But seriously...How does this work?
This is not a dream fulfilled. This is not a gift I've really asked for. This is not normal. What this is... is a seed God planted deep, a long time ago, and it's beginning to sprout.
Well sprouting hurts.
Oh, Lord--Help me love it? Help me find joy in places I'd rather not look. Help me grow in ways I'd not choose. Help me rest when I want to be busy and help me hustle when I just want to lock myself in the bathroom and cry like a baby. Help me love my kids enough to do the hard things. This is the school you have brought me to. Teach me, I'm ready to learn.